Sing for the Years
by Team Jem Carstairs
Summary: <html><head></head>"Sing with me, sing for the years, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears..."  Aerosmith, "Dream On"  A bunch of romantic-ish songfics, because I love music and I love ID. Especially ID romance. Jem, Tessa and Will all involved.</html>
1. The Only Exception

**Holler! I felt like writing songfics, and I have a whole list of ones I want to do... Some Jem/Tessa, some Will/Tessa (like this one) and possibly even a Jem/Will... Anyway, the song here is "The Only Exception" by Paramore. By the way, this is what I imagine Will was thinking after Tessa leaves the roof at the end of CA. You know, when he makes his proposal to... well, we know what he wants. ;) Please review! I am a shameless review whore!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, nor this song.**

"**Music fills the infinite between two souls." –Rabindrinath Tagore**

"You cannot have imagined I meant anything more," Will said, aware of the dangerous glint in his eyes. He saw the way Tessa's pain was written clearly in her eyes before she turned and fled, leaving him alone on the roof. _I can't say I didn't see that coming,_ he thought wryly. _I can't love her the way she deserves to be loved. I am… broken, and she cannot fix me._

**When I was younger**

**I saw my daddy cry**

**And curse at the wind**

**He broke his own heart**

**And I watched**

**As he tried to reassemble it**

Will knew it was all his father's fault that he was the way he was; the tall, bear-like man with Will's blue eyes who had a peculiar quirk. He could fall in love, over and over, and watch as the object of his affection moved on without him, all the while staying in love (and staying married to) Will's mother, the sharp-witted Welshwoman with jet-black hair and an inability to forgive. Will watched as his father broke his own heart dozens of times, and he privately suspected that it was this reason he was so closed off from the world, refusing to love or give even a small piece of himself away.

**And my momma swore**

**She would never let herself forget**

Will had asked his mother once why his father was so sad all the time, and he never forgot her answer. "William," she said in her harsh, accented voice, "your father cannot tell the difference between loving and falling in love. He falls in love with everything that has a pulse, and then he cannot help but have his heart broken. He does not learn, and it is for that reason he is so unhappy."

Will was but seven, a bright-eyed child without a care in the world. "But Mother," he insisted, "what can I do to help him?"

His mother knelt so as to be the same height as her son. "The only way to help him is to promise me you will not be like him. Love many things, but only fall in love once."

**And that was the day that I promised**

**I'd never sing of love**

**If it does not exist**

Will, at age seven, did not know there was a difference between loving and falling in love, so he swore off both. He swore he would not be like his father, and hurt himself over and over for no reason. Love brought nothing but trouble, and he would have none of it.

**But darlin'**

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

Of course, Will now understood that he was wrong to make such a strong choice about his future from such a young age. Now, all he wanted was to love Tessa the way she deserved, but he couldn't quite manage it. It was like that part of his heart was permanently broken; he could form strong friendships, but that was rare. It was, in fact, only Jem he had actually cared about since he was very young. He never much cared for either of his parents; his father was weak, that he knew, and rarely around, and his mother was often bitter and cruel. Yes, only Jem, who could never hate him despite his faults… There was Cecily, that was true, but after her, he was quite sure he could never– would never– love again. Tessa was truly the only exception to his law of living a loveless life.

**Maybe I know, somewhere**

**Deep in my soul**

**That love never lasts**

Tessa would leave soon enough; he doubted she would want to remain in London after all her horrible memories of the city. It was only fear of Mortmain that kept her here, after all. When he was gone, when the clockwork monsters were destroyed, he was sure she would leave, go back to New York or perhaps just travel. She had once said she'd always wanted to travel. Jem, of course, would be gone in a few years– though it killed him to think of it that way. He would rather think of the time they had left as being the time _he_ had left, because imagining life without Jem was… impossible. Cecily, well, she was already gone. There was nothing he could do about that.

**And we've got to find other ways**

**To make it alone**

**Or keep a straight face**

**And I've always lived like this**

**Keeping a comfortable, distance**

So far, it wasn't all bad. Living a loveless life meant that Will could essentially do whatever he pleased and not have to worry about the consequences. He could stay out all night, drink until he puked and passed out in an alley somewhere, and have lots of meaningless sex with prostitutes who were only to happy to share themselves with the beautiful boy who asked so little from them, something so easy for the flesh to give. _I am torn_, he realized, _between living a pleasurable if lonely life and having it rip me apart to love her the way she ought to be loved. If it hurts her to be with me, it destroys me a thousand times worse._

**And up until now**

**I had sworn to myself that I'm content**

**With loneliness**

**Because none of it was ever worth the risk**

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

He had been so concerned that he was violating his own rules that he had never stopped to think about whether or not he was truly _happy._ Jem had asked him that very thing once.

"William, I know that you seem to be enjoying your life the way you are living it, but have you ever actually thought about changing your ways, maybe settling down?"

"Settling down?" he had scoffed.

"Yes, settling down. I don't mean getting married, at least not right now, but perhaps toning down all the wild behavior? I'm sure you realize it reflects poorly on your reputation."

"I was not aware that there were still shreds of my reputation still intact. I must remember to change that," he added almost to himself.

Jem sighed, shaking his head. "I can see I will not change your mind. I only ask that you learn to open your heart a bit more in the future, because you won't always have me as your moral compass."

And because he was right, Will scowled.

**I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't**

**Let go of what's in front of me here**

**I know you're leaving in the morning, when you wake up**

**Leave me with some sort of proof it's not a dream**

**Ooh ooh…**

_I am actually an idiot,_ Will decided. _I have acted the part of a fool. Perhaps that part of my heart was broken, but perhaps it can be fixed. Perhaps Tessa _can_ fix me, if I'd only ever let her try…_ It was so clear to him now, to the point where he couldn't see why he didn't see it there before. _Love is not the problem. Loneliness and heartbreak are the problem. Love is the _solution_. If I love her, I can be selfless enough to forget my past, can I not? If Jem can do it, I can as well. It will not be easy, but I have Jem for guidance. _It occurred to him that Jem might actually die of shock if Will confessed that not only did he love Tessa, but he needed help to work past his aversion to love.

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

**You are the only exception**

**And I'm on my way to believing,**

**Oh, and I'm on my way to believing**

Will pulled himself away from the wrought-iron railing encircling the Institute roof. He had to find Tessa, had to apologize for his rudeness and unfriendliness. He had to tell her the truth, which was this: he loved her, more than he had ever loved anyone, even the slender silver boy who was bound to him by the rune they shared on their right forearms. _I love you, Tessa Gray. You have to believe me, because if you don't, if you reject me, I will have nothing._

_ Nothing._

**Did this suck? It sucked, didn't it? Oh, the shame!**


	2. Life After You

**Here, as promised (or maybe not... I can't remember anymore) is a Will/Jem love thingy. The song is "Life After You" by Chris Daughtry. So, er, enjoy, I guess, and REVIEW!**

"**Music is what feelings sound like." –Anonymous**

Will stormed out of Jem's room and collapsed in his own, a floor below. He was furious with his _parabatai_ for reasons even he didn't quite understand. It was something along the lines of; _I hate you for making me love you._ He knew he loved Jem, but times like this… he couldn't deal anymore. He couldn't, he wouldn't, and he shouldn't have to. This time he swore not to regret the hateful words that flew from his mouth like doves being released from a cage.

**Ten miles from town and I just broke down**

**Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road**

As always, it wasn't four hours before guilt settled on Will's chest like a cat. He hated himself, just as he always did. He was exactly one floor below Jem, the better to hear him when he had one of his fits, but it felt like a distance of ten miles separated them. This, too, was typical of their fights, the escape in the heat of the moment and the collapse a few hours later. Will just broke down, again, his heart throbbing painfully. He felt feverish, his body shaking and his breath coming shallow… just as it always did when he fought with Jem.

**I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home**

**To tell you I was wrong but you already know**

**Believe me I won't stop at nothin'**

**To see you so I've started runnin'**

_I have been a fool,_ Will cursed himself, getting up and pacing. _I have done it again. Why must I always hurt those whom I love? Jem, Charlotte, Cecily… _He choked. _I won't think of her, though the pain has lessened since that night. Perhaps it is because I have Jem instead. _He stopped moving, frozen. _I _had_ Jem. Do I still have him, after the cruel words I flung?_ He didn't think after that, just tore out of his room and ran upstairs, hovering outside of Jem's bedroom door.

**All that I'm after is a life full of laughter**

**As long as I'm laughin' with you**

**I'm thinking that all that still matters is love ever after**

**After the life we've been through**

'**Cause I know there's no life after you**

_It would be easier if we had never met._ That was what Will had told Jem. It was the worst thing he had ever said, to anyone, especially because at that moment, he had believed it. He truly thought they would be happier without the other… If only he had known how wrong he was. He needed Jem more than anything, and he didn't want anything else. He didn't even want to want anything else. He had once thought that perhaps life would be better after Jem… passed away, because then he wouldn't have to suffer with the pain anymore, the pain of knowing his best friend was dying a little bit every day. _Jem… I wish you knew how wrong I know I am. You know I'm wrong, and I know it, but you need to know I know it. There is no life after you._

**Last time we talked, the night that I walked**

**Burns like an iron in the back of my mind**

Just _thinking_ about his crime made Will hurt, physically and emotionally. He actually prayed for relief, be it death or… apathy. Actually, he could never wish for apathy. The pain reminded him how much he loved the boy on the other side of this wall, the boy with the binding rune on his forearm that matched Will's, the boy to whom Will had given himself so fully.

**I must've been high to say you and I**

**Weren't meant to be and just wastin' my time**

_We shouldn't be doing this. We can't be together like this anymore, because you and I are all wrong for each other._ That was the other thing Will had said. He knew he was wrong almost as soon as the words left his mouth, but the look on Jem's face let on that he believed it. He truly believed Will didn't love him, and his face was tight as he slipped his shirt back over his head and turned away from Will.

**Oh, why did I ever doubt you?**

**You know I would die here without you**

"Jem," Will called experimentally. Jem said nothing. "Jem, I'm so sorry. I know that when you said you loved me… Well, I knew I couldn't let myself screw it up, but that's what I've done. I was so wrong, and I know the fact that you're– that you're–" He couldn't make himself say the word 'dying,' so he swallowed and kept talking. "That has nothing to do with our feelings, because without you, I'm dying inside."

**All that I'm after is a life full of laughter**

**As long as I'm laughin' with you**

**I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after**

**After the life we've been through**

'**Cause I know there's no life after you**

"I wouldn't trade the last six years for anything in the world, because all I want is you by my side. I want to see you next to me when I wake up in the morning, I want to know you have my back in battle, and I want you to be the last thing I see before I fall asleep. I can't possibly be happy unless you're there, laughing with me. I can't possibly go on without you." He took a deep breath and managed to find the courage to say those words. "There is no life after you, Jem, because I love you."

**You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one**

**After this time I spent alone**

He sat with his back against the wall opposite Jem's bedroom door, knees drawn up to his chest. His hair was falling in his eyes again, but he didn't care. "I don't know if we are right for each other, that I will admit, but I can tell you that _I don't care._ I don't care if everyone disapproves, I don't care about the Law, because all I want is you. Being without you makes me remember exactly hard it is to be without you."

**It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind**

**Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind**

Will's lower lip trembled, and he had to choke the tears back. It hurt that he had hurt Jem, that was true, but it hurt more that Jem _still wasn't saying anything_. "I don't want to forget you, Jem, and I'm scared… I'm scared that if I leave you alone too long, I won't have as much to remember of you. As much as I want to forget the bad times, I won't let myself, because they are a piece of you, and I need to have as much of you as I can. I– I am blind, or I was. I won't do it again," he promised, hoping against hope that Jem wouldn't decide that yes, Will _would_ do it again, and therefore he should leave him to his own devices. _My own devices,_ Will thought, disgusted, _my own infernal devices._

**So I'm runnin' back to tell you**

**All that I'm after is a life full of laughter**

**Without you God knows what I'd do, yeah**

"Anyway," he concluded, hating the way his voice shook and cracked, "I can't live without you, and I don't want to. I am so sorry. _Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa," _he quoted, remembering that Jem had said it once. It meant, literally, _my fault, my own most grievous fault_ in Latin. "If you weren't there to keep me out of trouble… the Angel knows what I'd do."

**All that I'm after is a life full of laughter**

**As long as I'm laughing with you**

**I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after**

**After the life we've been through, yeah**

**Know there's no life after you**

He crawled on his hands and knees to try, like a child, to peek through the keyhole. He saw black, then the flash of brightest silver. "Jem? Is that you?" No answer. "Jem, please, don't do this to me." He let out a tortured sob. He had never seen Jem so unwilling to forgive him, and never before had he been so desperately craving forgiveness.

**Know there's no life after you **

The door opened just a bit, only a few inches, but it was enough. Will could see Jem sitting on the floor, not two feet from him, just inside the door. His huge silver eyes were sad, but loving as well. He held out his arms with a tiny smile and Will, without any prompting, dove into them. They sat together like that for a minute, pressed together, and Will only pulled away to plant a quick kiss on Jem's lips. Silky locks, ink-black and mercury-silver, tangled together like vines.

"I love you," Will whispered to the only person in the world he felt deserved the words.

"Love you, too," Jem responded, as he always did, and stood up, tugging Will up with him. He kissed his best friend and lover, fiercely, letting him know exactly how much he forgave him. Will smiled to himself. _I don't have to live without him._

**Know there's no life after you, yeah.**

**Aw... warm and fuzziness. I have become a Will/Jem shipper, everyone! God, I hate myself.**


	3. Fine, Fine Line

**I keep forgetting to mention this, so here we go: I know that especially with the first songfic, people asked if I was going to continue. No, I wasn't. These are all one-shots. Er, sorry. Anyway, this is sort of Tessa/Jem, but really more of Jem talking about Tessa. The song is "Fine, Fine Line" from the musical Avenue Q. Please review!**

**Disclaimer: Cassie owns the characters, Avenue Q owns the song, and Victor Hugo owns the quote!**

"**Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot be silent." –Victor Hugo**

"Tessa?" Jem asked carefully. He was in her room, depositing her there after a day they had spent together. He had led her on a tour of sorts, showing her famous places and the ones he loved best, which included Blackfriars Bridge. She had, as he had, seen the beauty in the place so many others thought was hideous. That was one of the things he loved about her, her ability to find beauty in the most unlikely of places… Like in him, for example.

"Yes?" she asked, peeking at him shyly under a cascade of brown hair.

"I– I don't know how to say this… And I don't know if you feel similarly… I know we've only been acquainted for a short period of time, but I think I love you."

Tessa blinked a few times, looking only a bit surprised; she might have already known, she was so perceptive. "James, I don't… I don't know what to say…"

He took her hands in both of his, heart racing. "Say you love me back," he said quietly, pleading with his eyes.

She just bit her lip and looked away. "I can't," she whispered. "You are a good friend, but I don't love you, not the way you want me to."

He nodded. "Of course, I understand." He dropped her hands and stood, dipping his head cordially. "Good night, Tessa."

"Good night, Jem."

He left her room and made for his own, head swimming.

**There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;**

**There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;**

Of course she didn't love him. How could she ever? He was _dying,_ and no sensible woman– and despite everything, Tessa was very sensible– would go near him after knowing that. He tried so hard to be a good friend, which was what she needed, that she could only ever think of him as a friend. _Of course,_ Jem reasoned,_ there is the simple fact that she loves Will. She loves him, and not me, because he is everything I am not. He is bold, he is admittedly very handsome, he saved her from a horrible fate, more than once, between the Dark Sisters and de Quincey._

Jem knew that he couldn't hold a candle to the appeal Will held for females, young girls and grown woman alike. He did like to think he had good qualities of his own; caring and gentleness were two things he possessed that were less common for Will to exhibit.

_I thought she cared for me… Angel, I was just deluding myself. She cares no more for me than for, say, Charlotte or Henry. I was just pretending…_

**And you never know 'til you reach the top**

**If it was worth the uphill climb.**

**There's a fine, fine line between love**

**And a waste of time.**

_Why_ couldn't he get her out of his head? She was clever, witty, brave, beautiful, that was true, but if she didn't love him, it was a waste of time, was it not? _Love is a waste of time in and of itself,_ he thought fleetingly, before shaking his head and sinking into a chair. _No, it's not. Love might be a waste of time some of the time, but mostly it's completely worth it. Even when I'm sitting here, heartbroken over her rejection, I do not think this is a waste of time. This is completely worth it._

**There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;**

Jem thought back to every fairy tale he had ever heard, growing up. It was hard for Shadowhunters to come up with fairy tales, simply because so many things in mundane fairy tales were real: faeries, magic, handsome men to save the day… Every story his mother ever told him about true love, love at first sight, love ever after… It was true and yet not true. He loved Tessa the way every man in those stories felt about the lady, but she did not feel the same, unfortunately. _Every fairy tale, every Romeo-and-Juliet-esque happy ending, was a lie. I am not getting a happy ending._

**And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye"**

Just earlier that day, Tessa had looked him straight in the eye, her lovely grey eyes lighting up. He had made her laugh, again, and she was still smiling. _James, you are wonderful,_ she had said. _You always know exactly how to make me feel better._

_Were you feeling poorly?_

_ Well, no, not particularly. Not any worse than I've been lately, but with everything going on… _She trailed off, uncomfortable, trying to hide the tears that had threatened to spill over. Jem wiped away the few that fell.

_I'm glad I could help, even just a bit._

And now she had said goodbye. She had slammed the proverbial door, leaving him alone and cold in the hall. He had gone from a wonderful person who could make her laugh when everything else was going wrong to just… a nobody.

**I guess if someone doesn't love you back**

**It isn't such a crime.**

**But there's a fine, fine line between love**

**And a waste of your time.**

Jem wanted to hate her. It would have been a thousand times easier to hate Tessa Gray for refusing to love him, but life wasn't easy. Life was messy and complicated. He could never hate her, no matter what she did, because it was too late. He had already fallen in love with her, and there was no going back. _It isn't her fault,_ he recognized. _Just as it is not my fault I love her, it is not her fault she does not. She cannot help loving Will. Love is not a crime, no matter who it is directed at._

**And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.**

**I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.**

**For my own sanity I've got to close the door**

**And walk away…**

**Oh…**

_I love her, but we can't be together. She has forever, I have only a few years. I love her, she loves Will. I must move on._ He knew it was true. Jem couldn't afford to waste what little time he had left pining over a girl who could never love him. He thought of the (admittedly few) flirtatious gazes cast in his direction– from Sophie, from a nameless girl on the street, from Gabriel Lightwood's sister Elizabeth. _There are hundreds, thousands of available women in London… surely one of them…?_ He sighed loudly and put his head in his hands. _If I can't have her, I don't want anyone._

**There's a fine, fine line between together and not;**

**There's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got;**

He got up, pacing the length of his room as he had done so many times before. Almost every night he woke up amidst dreams of _her_, dreams that left him sleepless and panting. He always had to open the windows, letting in the cool night air, to try to cool the fire the thought of her had lit in him. He imagined he had worn a path on the cold stone floor from all the pacing he had done.

_So close,_ he thought. _We were so close. We were friends, good friends, and now I have ruined it. What you have and what you want are two very different things, however close they might seem…_

He heard Will knocking around in the room next door. Will never seemed to have these sorts of problems. _Why is that? Why am I the one suffering, while Will can go around living his normal life? _"Will," he called experimentally. He heard the broken-heartedness in his voice, which made him wince. In a few seconds, Will crashed in, looking concerned. "You okay, Jem?"

"No," he admitted.

**You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime;**

**There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time.**

"What's wrong?"

"I– It's Tessa…" Will's face twitched, something Jem couldn't fail to notice. He continued on anyway. "I told her… how I felt…"

"Let me guess," Will said bitterly. "She did not return your feelings."

"Obviously. What do I do?"

He snorted. "You want me to tell you how to deal with Tessa? As if I know myself."

"No… I mean, how do I deal with women in general? I'm young enough to get a second chance, but too young to understand the ways of the world as you do." He smiled. "I need help."

Will looked away, wearing a get-me-out-of-here expression. "Love is a waste of time, and Tessa Gray is a bigger waste of time. For more insights you'll have to pay me." He turned around and left, leaving a very bemused Jem sitting alone on his bed.

**There's a fine, fine line between love… and a waste of time.**

Jem nodded to the empty air. "Thanks for nothing," he muttered. "I love her anyway, and I do not think she is a waste of time. Even if we just remain friends… It's better than nothing." _I love you, Theresa Gray. I love you. I love you. I love you._

**If anyone cares, the reason Will was being such an asshole is because he doesn't want to admit he loves Tessa, too.**


	4. Moondance

**The song is "Moondance" by Van Morrison, and this is shamelessly Will/Jem. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, Cassandra Clare owns Will and Jem... and thanks to TheGreenBook for the general idea.**

"**If music be the food of love, play on." –William Shakespeare**

"Will," Jem whispered fervently, "Will, we can't."

"Who says we can't?" Will challenged. "If they drag us to Idris, the least they can do is give us some time alone." The Shadowhunters of the London Institute were required to report to Idris once a decade, and this happened to be the year. They were spending the autumn in the Nephilim homeland, much to the frustration of Will and Jem– not only were they forced to spend long amounts of time with Gabriel Lightwood, but they were hardly allowed any time alone. The boys were accustomed to no one much caring where they went and when, but now their every move was monitored closely.

This, their last night in Idris, was the night they could finally escape. There was a huge celebration, but Jem and Will managed to evade the authorities and slip, unnoticed, into the surrounding woods, where they wandered until eventually stumbling on a small lake.

"Well," Jem reasoned, "probably everyone at that party. They daren't leave us alone for but a moment."

"As well they shouldn't," his _parabatai_ muttered, trying to fold Jem into an embrace. Jem pulled away.

"Not _here_," he hissed. "What if someone should see us?"

"Whom? The ducks? I don't care who can see us. I just know it's been far too long since I had you in my arms."

**Well, it's a marvelous night for a moondance**

**With the stars up above in your eyes**

**A fantabulous night to make romance**

'**Neath the cover of October skies**

"Look, it's beautiful weather," Will insisted. It was true; the stars shone brightly in a clear velvet sky, which reflected so perfectly into the water that it was hard to tell where one sky ended and the other began. Will looked deep into Jem's eyes and gave him the barest trace of a smile. "I can see the stars in your eyes."

"I don't care _what_ you see in my eyes."

"Don't you? You want me. I can see that too."

Jem rolled the eyes in question. "I don't want you."

"Sure. You love me."

"Don't be sarcastic. Of course I love you."

"And I love you." It was hard for Will to say the words, after all the times he'd been hurt, but he did mean them, and Jem deserved them. "Show me you love me, then."

**And all the leaves on the trees are falling**

**To the sound of the breezes that blow**

**And I'm trying to please to the calling**

**Of your heart-strings that play soft and low**

Jem took one of Will's hands and laid it over his own heart, letting Will feel the fast, bird-like rhythm. "If I didn't love you, would my heart be beating so quickly?"

"If you _wanted me_ it would. Come on, be adventurous for once."

"Just knowing you _is_ an adventure," Jem said, shaking his head, but he did consent. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips softly to Will's. Will kissed back fiercely, cupping the back of Jem's neck with one hand. The other trailed down Jem's chest.

A warm gust of wind temporarily separated them. "It's too hot," Will complained, shrugging off his tux jacket and untying his bow tie. When he was sufficiently unclothed, he ran into the frigid water without a backwards glance. Jem stood on shore with a disbelieving expression on his face.

"You fool," he called. "It's _October_. The ground is littered with dead leaves. There's bound to be a frost soon, and here you are, diving into a lake that'll be frozen in a few weeks."

"But right now, it's refreshing," Will replied. "Join me?"

"No."

"But–"

"No."

"I just–"

"I already said no. You can't make me get in there."

**And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush**

**And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush**

Will swam back, clambering out of the water. "Jealous?"

"That you're cold and wet? No, I am not. Why would you _ever_ think that was a good idea?"

Will shrugged. "Seemed like the thing to do. The magic in the air, you know."

"Magic. Yes, well, as much as I might know what you mean, I can't imagine why that would compel you to–" He sighed. "You're not listening."

"Of course I'm not. Can you expect me to? Not when you're all dolled up."

Jem furrowed his brow in bemusement. "My good looks– and I admit they are _stunning_– are distracting you?"

"Yes," Will grinned. "You have the prettiest blush in your cheeks." He reached out to lightly brush Jem's cheek with a finger. Jem swallowed, hard. He bit his lip and took off his own jacket, which made Will laugh. "I have done it! I have corrupted the great Jem Carstairs!"

**Can I just have one more moondance with you, my love**

**Can I just make some more romance with a-you, my love**

Jem sighed. _How did I get into this?_ He thought briefly before realizing that he had said the words aloud. "It was when you agreed to be my _parabatai_," Will provided, but Jem shook his head.

"We were fifteen when we swore to each other. You were already mine, long before that. _That_ was where I went wrong." He laughed to soften the blow, knowing Will wouldn't believe him anyway, and steeped into the water. As soon as his pale skin touched the lake, he jerked back and swore vehemently. "It's got be below freezing! Angel, Will, you're an idiot."

Will held out a hand, which Jem reluctantly took. "Go in with me, it'll be easier. Close your eyes and remember the dance we shared before Charlotte made us go dance with actual women. Pretend we're dancing again."

"That'll never work," Jem mumbled.

He didn't have to look at Will to see the grin stretched across his face. "You can close your eyes and think of England, if you like."

"I _live_ in England," Jem started to say, but it was too late, he was already in the water.

**Well, I wanna make love to you tonight**

**I can't wait 'til the morning has come**

Will took Jem into his arms and kissed him, just the two of them in the water, intertwined. Jem sighed against Will's mouth but pulled away, shaking his head. "I can't–"

Will groaned, kicking his feet up to float on his back. "What is with you tonight? You act like you want this– want _me_– and then you pull away!"

"I just don't think that this is the time or place to be doing this," Jem explained. "We'll be back in London tomorrow morning–"

"I can't wait until tomorrow morning! I want you _now_."

Jem was quiet, shivering slightly; the air was warm, but the water was _awful_. The only reason he was still there at all was Will; despite all his feigned reluctance, he loved him. _I wonder if he knows I'm not really holding out. I do want him, more than anything… I just want to know if he cares enough to chase me._ "Will," he called, and Will's head jerked up. "I can't wait until tomorrow morning." Will grinned broadly. _Excellent._

**And I know that the time is right**

**And straight into my arms you will run**

The two boys were lucky they were so far from civilization, because anyone who walked into that clearing would be shocked and horrified. They would have seen Jem and Will, naked and waist-deep in bitterly cold water, wrapped around each other with their mouths pressed hotly together. Jem's fingers were wound in Will's hair, and Will was running his hands up and down Jem's torso.

"This," Will said quietly, "was exactly the right time. Good thing you agreed to this."

"It seems that you were the one to run into _my_ arms, William," Jem whispered back. Will didn't answer– probably because he hated admitting he was wrong– so he just trailed a line of kisses down Jem's neck, over the hard line of shoulder to the ridge of his collarbone. Then he did what he always did, in the end: took Jem's right forearm and pressed his lips to the _parabatai_ rune they shared, the one piece of physical evidence that bound them forever.

**And when you come my heart will be waiting**

**To make sure that you're never alone**

**There and then all my dreams will come true, dear**

**There and then I will make you my own**

"You're mine," Will murmured, as he always did. "Just because no one knows about it…"

"They know we're _parabatai_."

"They don't know about us being together… like this. The way we are now. 'I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine,' as the Bible says."

"As I am yours and you are mine?"

"Yes, of course. It's all I ever wanted."

Jem smiled, laying his head on Will's shoulder. "Am I everything you dreamed of?"

"Everything and then some."

"You must not have had very high expectations, then."

"Of course I didn't. It's me we're discussing, remember?"

Jem took Will's hand in his own and pulled him to shore. "I can't bear another minute in this water, despite how much you warm me up. Come on, I need you to keep me company."

"Keeping you company at night is what I'm best at."

Jem cast him a flirtatious, if shy, glance from under a curtain of sopping silver hair. "Don't I know it."

**And every time I touch you, you just tremble inside**

**And I know how much you want me, that you can't hide**

When they had successfully returned to shore, they lay down in a bed of leaves, painted all the colors of fire. Will crawled over Jem, as he always did, and kissed him, long and slow. He only pulled away to say, "you're trembling. Are you scared?"

Jem snorted. "Of what? It's cold, Will. Of course, it could just be… anticipation."

"I knew it. You want me."

"Did I ever try to hide that?"

"Er, yes, as a matter of fact, you bloody well did. Luckily you can keep no secrets from me."

"Yes. _Luckily_," Jem said dryly, which was all he could say before his mouth was once again covered by Will's.

**Can I just have one more moondance with you, my love**

**Can I just make some more romance with a-you, my love**

Jem fully blamed the moon for Will's inane desires. The first time this had happened, they were fifteen, and they shared a bed bathed in light from the full moon. _The full moon makes people do things they would never do ordinarily,_ Charlotte had said once. _It seems to… change things. Henry proposed under the full moon…_ she muttered to herself, walking away.

Here they were, two years later, once again under the full moon. Will's desires for Jem– coupled with a seeming desire to be caught, the exhibitionist– were fueled by the moonlight. Of course, the copious amounts of alcohol he had drank earlier probably had something to do with it, along with the simple fact that yes, Will really did love Jem.

_The things he does, and convinces me to do, under the influence of moonlight and silliness… and alcohol…_

**Well, it's a marvelous night for a moondance**

**With the stars up above in your eyes**

**A fantabulous night to make romance**

'**Neath the cover of October skies**

**And all the leaves on the trees are falling**

**To the sound of the breezes that blow**

Will bent to kiss a scar Jem had on his left arm. He had a lot of scars, and not just rune scars, but ones from demon fights, various accidents, and a few on his hand from Church, that mad cat. In fact, not counting the rune scars, Jem had seventy-six scratches and scrapes. Will should know. He's kissed them all.

Even excluding his scars, there wasn't a part of Jem that Will didn't know by heart. Will knew that there was a spot, on the inside of Jem's hipbone, that, if rubbed, would make Jem cry out in ecstasy. He loved it when Will would twirl strands of silver hair over his fingers.

Will also knew every part of Jem's personality. He knew, for example, that the slim silver Shadowhunter loved the taste of strawberries and the smell of pomegranates. He loathed poetry but loved Shakespeare, especially _As You Like It,_ though any romance would do. His favorite month was October, because that was the month that he and Will first confessed more than brotherly feelings for each other.

**And I'm trying to please to the calling**

**Of your heart-strings that play soft and low**

**And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush**

**And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush**

"Will," Jem gasped. "Will…" His face was stained a scarlet that only Will had ever seen, the color his face turned when thoroughly excited. Everyone thought Jem was so mellow, and Will didn't bother to correct him; he'd rather keep the secret of Jem's demanding insatiability to himself for the time being.

Will kissed him again, catching the words in his own mouth. Jem was close to begging now, Will knew from experience, and he himself didn't want to wait much longer. With only a murmured "I love you," Will and Jem came together as one, on (though it didn't cross their minds) the two-year anniversary of their first time.

**One more moondance with you in the moonlight**

**On a magic night**

**La, la, la, la in the moonlight**

**On a magic night**

**Can't I just have one more dance with you my love**

When they were quite finished, they lay together, sweaty skin pressed together under the October sky. Later they would worry about how to explain their absence to everyone else; for now, it was just enough to be holding one another. As they looked up, it occurred to them that the silver stars and the black sky signified more than just nighttime; it was a _symbol,_ a symbol of them, Will Herondale and Jem Carstairs, together. That was good enough, they thought. It was more than good enough.


	5. Need You Now

**I know, I haven't updated in FOREVER, please don't hate me! I had an anatomy project, a history term paper, the SATs, a dance recital... Mad stuff going on. Sorry. Not really. Anyway, this is Will/Tessa, set to "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum. Yes, I have a diverse taste in music. I hope this doesn't suck, and PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Disclaimer: I own NOTHING.**

"**Music makes one feel so romantic– at least it always gets on one's nerves– which is the same thing nowadays." ––Oscar Wilde**

Tessa heard the door slam with a sinking feeling in her chest. Yes, Will had insulted her, and yes, she had yelled at him to get out, but now that he was gone there was nothing she wanted more than to have him back. He was still the only boy she had ever really cared for, besides Nate, and he was gone. Trying not to think about how both Nate and Will had abandoned her, she wandered into the library and collapsed into an armchair by the fireplace.

**Picture perfect memories**

**Scattered all around the floor**

She immediately sprang up, having sat on a pile of papers; looking at them, she realized they were drawings, sketches of people and places. There was one of the Thames, of Hyde Park and Blackfriar's Bridge; one of Charlotte and Henry; one of a pretty Asian woman and a good-looking man, neither of whom Tessa recognized; one of Tessa herself, studiously reading in the same armchair she had just vacated; and, most importantly, one of Will on the Institute roof. He looked just as he did the day he kissed her.

The signature on the bottom was Jem's, small and elegant, and for one wild moment she wondered how Jem had known how Will looked that day. Realizing he probably looked like that often, Tessa sank to the ground and just stared at the picture. It was so perfect, it could have been a photograph.

**Reaching for the phone 'cause**

**I can't fight it anymore.**

Tessa wanted to cry, longing filling her up, burning her veins. She didn't know what she had been thinking, sending him away; despite everything, she loved him, and that wasn't going to change any time soon. Of course, it was too late tonight. What could she do, search every establishment of ill repute until she found him? Then what? She would apologize, but what would he do? Forgive her, send her away, make a joke of it, or– worst of all– tell her that it mattered not, he cared so little for her?

She let out a little sob at that.

**And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.**

**For me it happens all the time.**

No, he was better off alone. He was much happier… doing whatever it was he was doing than putting up with Tessa. He would be out drinking, she was sure, or else visiting the brothels. It hurt her to think of him sinking so low as that, but she didn't doubt that he spent his nights in very different places– doing very different things– than, say, Jem. He wasn't thinking of her, no matter how often his face, his beautiful face, crossed her mind.

**It's a quarter after one.**

**I'm all alone and I need you now.**

**Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control**

**And I need you now.**

**And I don't know how I can do without,**

**I just need you now.**

The grandfather clock in the corner chimed, startling Tessa out of her reverie. One loud clang was all the noise it produced, which shocked her more than anything she had thought about Will. _One o'clock? It's one o'clock in the morning? And am I asleep? No, I am not. I am sitting on the library floor, staring at a likeness of Will, wanting to be with him more than anything. I am pathetic. No wonder he doesn't love me–_ She choked. _Will… I need you. Please come home._

**Another shot of whiskey,**

**Can't stop looking at the door.**

**Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.**

Across town, in the Devil Tavern, Will was just beckoning the bartender over for a third drink. He was downing whiskey, the burning pain in his throat distracting him from the burning pain in his heart. He had been so cruel to Tessa for no reason other than because he could. _No, that's not why,_ a small, albeit truthful, voice said in the back of his mind. _You aren't cruel just because you can be. If you were, Jem would probably hate you. You're horrible to Tessa to make her hate you, because you can't bear it if she loves you. You'd rather she hates you than loves you. _A louder voice contributed, _And look how well that's working, mate. She still loves you, and now you love her too._

"Shut up," he said aloud, making the grizzled bartender shoot him a dirty look. He didn't care, anything to make his brain just _shut up._ For the eighth time in five minutes, he glanced at the door. _Why?_ he asked himself. _Do you expect her to walk in and forgive you?_ He sighed. _If only, but no, she won't, because I'm an idiot. Love makes you do stupid things, Tessa, please remember that._

**And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.**

**For me it happens all the time.**

Will groaned and banged his head on the bar in front of him. No one seemed to care, but he was glad of that. _Tessa, Tessa, Tessa,_ he repeated in his head, just because he loved her name, loved the way it sounded. Maybe he hoped that if he thought about her hard enough, often enough, she would hear him and forgive him.

Clear as a bell, he heard her voice, saying, "Will?" He got to his feet and looked around hurriedly, grinning foolishly, sure that some angel had granted his wish. Instead he saw a short blonde girl smiling up at him. His heart sank; it had been her voice he heard, not Tessa's. He must really be going crazy.

"Lo, Marietta," he said dully, smile sliding off his face, but she didn't seem to notice his lack of enthusiasm. Her big blue eyes sparkled. "And a hello to you, too. Are we meeting for our usual… arrangement tonight?"

Angel, she was persistent. Will had had sex with her a few times, and every time she saw him she presented the option again. Most days he said yes, unless he had arrangements with another woman that night. He should say yes tonight, he knew that, but he couldn't. She was much too short, her hair didn't shine like polished wood, her eyes weren't the pearl grey of the London sky– she was wrong, all wrong, because she wasn't Tessa.

**It's a quarter after one.  
>I'm a little drunk and I need you now.<strong>

**Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control**

**And I need you now.**

**And I don't know what I can do without,**

**I just need you now.**

He shook his head. "Sorry, Marietta," he lied. He wasn't sorry at all, but he didn't fancy being yelled at, not when it was so late and his head was pounding from the alcohol– _I'll have one hell of a hangover tomorrow,_ he registered distantly. "I– I have to go." Slapping some money on the bar and ignoring Marietta's outraged face, he hurried, somewhat wobbly, into the light rain. He needed to get home. He couldn't be without her any longer. It hurt to see her, it hurt to be without her, it just _hurt_ all over, no matter what. _Is this what love is? Just this endless heart-wrenching pain?_

**(Whoa whoa)**

**I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all…**

Tessa brushed the tears from her face as Will brushed the rain from his. They were nowhere near each other, but the felt the same, and had the same thought: that this pain was better than nothing. Even loving someone who– as far as you know– doesn't love you back, no matter what the cost, was better than just not caring. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

**It's a quarter after one.  
>I'm all alone and I need you now.<strong>

**And I said I wouldn't call,**

**But I'm a little drunk and I need you now.**

**And I don't know what I can do without,**

**I just need you now.**

**I just need you now.**

**Oh baby, I need you now.**

Will burst into the Institute hall dripping with rain and smelling of smoke and alcohol. He had to find her, had to apologize. He checked her room, which was empty, and Jem's room, which– thankfully– only contained Jem, fast asleep. Only one place she could be, really: the library.

He hastened to the great room, breathing a sigh of pure relief when he saw she was there. Tessa Gray, looking so beautiful, sitting for some reason on the floor, her skirts billowed around her, looking at a piece of paper. It hurt him, physically, to see the marks of recent tears on her face.

She looked up when he came in, and she couldn't help but let out a soft cry of pleasure. She had thought about him and he had come, not looking nearly as angry as he had the hour before, but instead seeming vulnerable, as he had in the Sanctuary with Mortmain. He didn't say anything, and nor did she, but they didn't have to. Everything was written in their eyes. It came as no surprise to either when Will crossed the room in a few strides and sat on the floor with Tessa, taking her into his arms and burying his face in her hair. How long they sat there, they didn't know, and it didn't matter. Just being there was enough.


	6. Stay

**The song here is "Stay" by Sugarland. This is a different thing, in that it is a companion to another story. The story is "Leave the Lights Off" by TheGreenBook, and it is quite shamelessly shipping WIll and Magnus (yep, that's what I said). On a side note, go check it out, it's awesome. It also ships Will and Jem, which is all you need to you know to read this. It might be easier if you read the first couple chapters of Lights first (only the first couple. Like, 2 or 3). If you have a problem with it, don't read this. I enjoy criticism and reviews (GIVE THEM TO ME) but not flames. If you don't like the PARING then why are you still reading?**

**Disclaimer: Thanks to Cassie Clare and TheGreenBook, who gave me permission to write this! Sorry if it sucks! Also, I had to change all the "she" and "her" to "he" and "his" to make it fit.**

"**Music is love in search of a words." –Sidonie Gabrielle**

**I've been sitting here staring at a clock on the wall**

**And I've been laying here praying, praying he won't call**

**It's just another call from home**

**And you'll get it and be gone**

**And I'll be crying**

Magnus Bane didn't sleep easily that night. He kept waking up to check two things: the time, for he dreaded morning's light, and Will, sleeping next to him. He was afraid, as he tended to be in these situations, that it couldn't possibly be as good as he thought it was. He enjoyed pleasure, enjoyed giving it and taking it, and Will was good at both.

Incredible how one night could make him so attached to the dark-haired boy who, in all honesty, belonged to another– Will Herondale and Jem Carstairs, the Dynamic Duo. Jem was sure to come looking for Will eventually, and Will would leave. He would go home, to the Institute, leaving Magnus cold and alone in bed.

**And I'll be begging you, baby**

**Beg you not to leave**

**But I'll be left here waiting**

**With my heart on my sleeve**

Oh, sure Magnus could _try_ and ask him to stay. He had asked him last night, in fact, but Will didn't answer, just pressed his lips harder to Magnus's. He hadn't said what he wanted to, of course, because how could he? _Will, I know we've only just recently become more acquainted, but I think I love you? Please don't leave me alone?_ No. Absolutely not.

**Oh, for the next time we'll be here**

**Seems like a million years**

**And I think I'm dying**

**What do I have to do to make you see**

**He can't love you like me?**

Magnus sat up, seeing the first rays of dawn sliding into the room. An indescribable panic filled him and he was seized with the sudden urge to shake Will awake and demand that he stay. _When will I see you again?_ He wanted to ask. _Don't you know I'd be better to you than Jem? Jem, who is dying. Jem, who kissed Tessa, which was the reason you came to me. He can't love you like I do, because I would never hurt you like that._

**Why don't you stay**

**I'm down on my knees**

**I'm so tired of being lonely**

**Don't I give you what you need**

**When he calls you to go**

**There is one thing you should know**

**We don't have to live this way**

**Baby, why don't you stay**

Sure enough, just a few hours later Will was lacing his boots. "Jem'll wonder where I am. I need to get back."

"You have to go? You can't stay for just a bit longer?" _I need you._

"No, I can't."

"If I got down on my knees and begged, would you stay?"

"I can think of at least one thing I'd rather you be doing if you were on your knees."

Magnus shook his head in disgust. "You can't take anything seriously, can you? I could make you happy, you know."

"I need Jem to make me happy." He didn't know the words were like slivers of ice being shoved into Magnus's chest, refusing to melt but leaving his muscles sore.

**You keep telling me, baby**

**There will come a time**

**When you will leave his arms**

**And forever be in mine**

**But I don't think that's the truth**

**And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting**

"Just so you know, William, Jem won't be around forever. I will be, if you want me."

Will paused, fidgeting with a dagger on his belt. "I know he won't be… Do you think I don't remember that every day? It's why I need to be with him. So I have more memories to hold on to."

"After he, you know…" Magnus let his voice trail off.

"I'd maybe consider coming back," Will said quietly. _Good enough._

Except it wasn't. It wasn't good enough. "I don't want a maybe, and I don't want your considerations. I want a promise, Will. If I know you, your promises mean nothing, but the gesture alone–"

"Then I promise. I'll see you again someday." _Don't believe him,_ a small voice whispered in the back of Magnus's mind. Will wasn't exactly famed for his honesty, but what reason would he have for lying. _So you won't stop him from leaving, _the voice said more loudly.

**It's too much pain to have to bear**

**To love a man you have to share**

"I suppose I'll have to be content with occasionally sharing you with James for the time being, yes?" Magnus asked, expecting a yes. He didn't get it.

"No, I don't think so. I'd rather not have to split myself between two people. It would hurt, you see, and in all honesty I'm better looking in one piece."

"If James can split himself between you and Tessa Gray, what's stopping you? Why can't you be happy as he is?"

Will turned away. "To love a man you have to share." _Yes, I suppose I'll have to learn to share you._

**Why don't you stay**

**I'm down on my knees**

**I'm so tired of being lonely**

**Don't I give you what you need**

**When he calls you to go**

**There is one thing you should know**

**We don't have to live this way**

**Baby, why don't you stay**

When Will was well and gone, Magnus stripped of his clothes and crawled back into bed, pressing his face to the pillow that Will had slept on. It smelled like him still, like smoke and leather. Not for the first time, Magnus felt that ache in his heart that signified that he had once again fallen in love.

He had been in love so many times, for he loved every beautiful thing for its beauty alone. It had been what drew him to Camille, marvelously exquisite. Of course, she didn't have the black hair and blue eyes that he loved best. She had never really loved him, anyhow. He rather thought he was something to be shown off, one more thing to be thrown in de Quincey's face.

Will was different. Magnus sensed that under his cold façade he had a loving heart, and he would love to be the one to discover it. He was sure Will's precious _Jem_ knew all about it, of course…

"What am I doing?" he said aloud. "Why am I so pathetic?"

**I can't take it any longer**

**But my will is getting stronger**

**And I think I know just what I have to do**

**I can't waste another minute**

**After all that I've put in it**

**I've given you my best**

**Why does he get the best of you**

**So next time you find you want to leave his bed for mine**

"I am Magnus Bane," he said loftily. "I am one of the most powerful warlocks in London. I can do as I damn well please, and I don't need William Herondale to survive. I don't need anyone but myself. Look," he said as he crossed the room to the window, "the sun is shining, the birds are singing– well, they would be if there were any birds around– and I am going to go out an enjoy myself. I will not sit here and sulk because Will left me for Jem. If he dares to darken my doorstep again, I'll send him packing."

**Why don't you stay**

**I'm up off my knees**

**I'm so tired of being lonely**

**You can't give what I need**

**When he begs you not to go**

**There is one thing you should know**

**I don't have to live this way**

**Baby, why don't you stay, yeah**

"No," Magnus corrected himself softly. "I still want him back. I'm done begging, but if he wants to come back, I'll let him. I might deserve better, but really, I don't want better. I want Will, and if he comes back I will welcome him with open arms. The prodigal son… Then James will be the one on his knees." This thought, however guilty it made him, gave him some pleasure, too. Guilty pleasure. He sighed. _Love is always a guilty pleasure._

**Yep. So, please review, even if– especially if– you hated it.**


	7. Breakeven

**I imagine this to be about a year after CA. The song is "Breakeven" by the Script, so enjoy and please review! The quote Will uses at the end is anonymous.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

"**Love is a friendship set to music." –Joseph Campbell**

**I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing**

**Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in**

**Cos I got time while she got freedom**

**Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even**

Will Herondale collapsed on his bed and refused to move. He should be happy, he knew; Mortmain was dead, the clockwork abominations destroyed. They had all made it through with minimal damage. Tessa was alive and well, and that was where there was a problem.

_Tessa._ Will had, despite everything, fallen in love with her, and he thought she might feel the same. They had a brief, passionate sort of tryst, and with the stakes as high as they were, he supposed it was no surprise it had ended. That wasn't what concerned him.

No, it was that Tessa had moved on, _really_ moved on. She had chosen Jem, and he could hear them now, talking and laughing. She had a beautiful laugh. It irked him that they could be so happy while he was unable to move, his heart breaking.

_God, if you exist, and I don't think you do, but I need to try this anyway– at least make them happy. Jem deserves it, and Tess… Well, if I can't make her happy, at least let Jem._

**Her best days will be some of my worst**

**She finally met a man that's gonna put her first**

**While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping**

**Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even… even… no**

As the day slipped into the night, Will, who had no desire to force himself to get up, was forced to listen to Jem and Tessa, just a floor above. He had never before realized how easy it was to be heard, no matter what you were doing… and he knew exactly what they were doing.

_ He loves her,_ he reminded himself firmly. _It's all right if he loves her. He's not going to hurt her, not like I would, because I'm stupid and selfish and… and all wrong for her, no matter how much I want to be right. _He was sure this was one of the best moments in either of their lives, so why was he so miserable? _I should be happy for them, and instead I'm jealous. I'm jealous because I LOVE HER. There, I said it. I love Tessa Gray._

If this was love, this endless heartbreak, he thought it came at much too high a cost.

**What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,**

**And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok**

**I'm falling to pieces, yeah,**

**I'm falling to pieces**

If you asked anyone in the Institute, or in the Enclave, they would have told you that there were a few weeks when Will was almost a normal human being. He was pleasant enough, he didn't argue as much, he did as he was told and even stopped going out every night in search of wanton drunkenness and wayward women.

Yes, it had been the consensus of all that Tessa had been the best thing to ever happen to Will Herondale. He even apologized to a thunderstruck Gabriel Lightwood for screwing around with his sister.

Of course, if you asked them now, they would say he was back to normal… Well, normal for him. He was irritable and made thoroughly inappropriate comments when his input was certainly not required. It was like he had suddenly woken up from a spell he had been under, when in reality he knew no other way to cope with grief. Where other men in the city cried themselves to sleep over a woman, Will was often downright cruel in an attempt to hide the pain.

The only one who ever noticed anything like that was the silver-haired boy who was far too preoccupied with Tessa to notice Will's mood swings, and this annoyed Will more than anything.

**They say bad things happen for a reason**

**But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding**

**Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving**

**And when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even… no**

Will curled up on his side and drew his knees up to his chest, his back facing the door. He didn't want to see or talk to anyone, and though he thought he could rest when Jem and Tessa were quiet, their silence only made it worse. It meant that they were sleeping, that they _could_ sleep, while he had to be alone and thoroughly miserable.

Nothing he had ever read could prepare him for this. It was true that, as a bit of a secret romantic, he had read quite a few books where this sort of thing happened… though it was usually the woman who was heartbroken. Not for the first time Will wondered if it was possible he was dying. After Cecily, he thought the part of his heart responsible for loving was broken. He had just discovered that wasn't true, and it was cruelly snatched away.

He could almost feel the raw wound in his heart bleeding into his chest.

**What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you,**

**And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok**

**I'm falling to pieces, yeah,**

**I'm falling to pieces, yeah,**

**I'm falling to pieces**

**(One still in love while the other one's leaving)**

**I'm falling to pieces**

**(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)**

It was easy for Will to imagine why Tessa was desired by so many. From a physical standpoint, she was beautiful, all soft brown hair and shadowy grey eyes. Of course, she could become anyone; any husband of hers could take a different woman to his bed every night, which was a tempting prospect. It occurred to Will that while he and Tessa were together, this never crossed his mind. He had never imagined being with anyone but her.

Then there was her personality. She was incredibly clever, well read, and she had a surprisingly dry sense of humor. She could easily match wits with Will any day, and this appealed to him more than anything. She was amazing, as close to perfect that any human could be, and sometimes he wondered if she got her powers not from being half-demon but from being half-angel.

_Mon ange,_ he had called her the first night they spent together, _mon ange belle._ My angel, my beautiful angel.

**Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain**

**You took your suitcase, I took the blame.**

**Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh**

**Cos you left my with no love, with no love to my name**

Moping around in his bedroom wasn't going to accomplish anything, but it did somehow make Will feel better. He always felt better when he was somewhere he didn't have to see Tessa running her fingers through Jem's hair, when he didn't have to see the look in Jem's eyes when he looked at Tessa. _His_ Tessa, Will still thought of her. She was his. He had saved her. He had given her her first kiss and first… everything else. He had fallen in love with her first.

And now, the little minx, she had control of his _and_ Jem's hearts. One tug and they were hers. They would do anything for her and she knew it. This need for power actually confused Will more than anything, because it wasn't the Tessa he knew. He couldn't make sense of it.

He sighed. _Since when has love ever made sense?_

**I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing**

**Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in**

**Cos I got time while she got freedom**

**Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break**

**No it don't break**

**No it don't break even no**

Will tried to sleep. Sleep was his only relief, or the closest thing he had to relief, where his mind was at least a bit more relaxed. Of course, it also meant he couldn't control the thoughts that flickered across his mind like lightning. He couldn't stop himself from thinking of the light in Tessa's eyes, the ring of her laugh, the careful brush of her lips on his cheek.

His mind was a prison she had locked him in. All he wanted was to drown in her, but she had tossed him onto the shore. The official explanation was that she wanted something sweeter and more serious than Will could offer, but this sounded weak to him. Hadn't she seen how much he had changed for her? Hadn't she cared that he had done anything– and still would do anything– to make her happy?

**What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and**

**What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok**

**(Oh glad you're okay now)**

**I'm falling to pieces yeah**

**(Oh I'm glad you're okay)**

**I'm falling to pieces yeah**

**(One still in love while the other one's leaving)**

**I'm falling to pieces**

**(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)**

Will got out of bed. He couldn't take it anymore. He opened his door quietly and headed upstairs, a quote echoing through his head as he did so. "I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you." This reminded him so much of _her_ that he found his feet carrying him to Jem's bedroom. He opened the door quietly, not surprised by what he saw.

Tessa and Jem were asleep, still wrapped around each other. He knew it, he could hear them, he knew what had happened, but it still shook him to the core. He felt weak and shivery, feverish, as though something sturdy had been yanked out from under him. _At least she's happy now,_ he thought feebly, feeling an uncomfortable pressure building up behind his eyes.

Just as he turned to go, Tessa's eyes opened. Will stood frozen, unsure of what to do, and she just shook her head almost imperceptibly, as though to say _don't. Not now. Please just leave._

_That_, he thought as he shut the door dejectedly, _I can do._

**Oh it don't break even no**

**Oh it don't break even no**

**Oh it don't break even no**

It was, for some unknown reason, much easier to sleep now. Will's heart had ceased to ache, probably, he reasoned, because it was shattered into too many little pieces to have a hope of repair. _This is an improvement,_ he thought. _Hearts don't break even. My own, before I met her, was like ice and has now shattered like ice. This is not entirely unexpected… I love you, Tess,_ he said as he finally drifted away into a place where he didn't have to think anymore.


	8. Nothing

**Yes, yes, it HAS been fo' evah. I'm sorry. I've been very very busy. Anyway, the song here is "Nothing" by The Script, and it's *technically* Will/Tessa, but I'm a cruel bitch and made it horrendously gut-squeezy. Please review!**

**Disclaimer: I own neither the song nor the characters.**

**Am I better off dead**

**Am I better off a quitter**

**They say I'm better off now**

**Than I ever was with her**

"Just kill me. Kill me now and end it."

"Will, you're being incredibly stupid about this, you know. You are not going to pieces because of something like this, okay? I'm sorry that you and Tessa were not meant to be, but you have to move on. You're probably better off."

Will rolled over in bed to face his friend, who was standing with his arms crossed over his chest. "_Better off_? I'm bloody miserable, how is that _better_?"

Jem sighed and put a hand to his forehead. "I don't mean the misery, and you know it. I mean that if you were supposed to be together, it would have happened."

"I don't believe in all that nonsense. I believe you make your own destiny, and I failed. I should be with her, and I'm not, because I messed up. I don't know how, but I did." He groaned and pressed a pillow over his eyes, breathing in the scent of the cool cotton. "I need a drink," he mumbled.

"Then get up. I doubt you will ever hear this from me again, but you _do_ need a drink. You need to relax. _Get up, William._"

**As they take me to my local down the street**

**I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet**

**They say a few drinks will help me to forget her**

**But after one too many I know that I'm never**

Jem had to nearly drag Will down the stairs and out the Institute's heavy wood doors. It had been Will who had suggested a drink in the first place, but he was regretting the decision with every step he forced himself to take. He smiled weakly when Jem shot him an "are-you-okay" look, but as soon as the other boy looked away his anguished expression returned.

_Every step I take is one more step away from her,_ he thought with a pang of regret. Actually, he thought it was less of a pang and more of a tight clench, strangling his heart for fun. "Come on," Jem muttered, walking in to the Blue Dragon, a less-than-reputable establishment Will frequented. "Sit," he ordered when they were inside, pointing to an empty stool at the bar.

The bartender, a djinn with hollow eyes and a surly face, brought Will a shot of whiskey immediately. Will tossed it back and motioned for another.

"Forget her," Jem whispered. "Forget all of it, if just for tonight."

Will was on his third shot when it hit him: _I am never going to forget this._

**Only they can see where this is gonna end**

**But they all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense**

**And my mates are all there trying to calm me down**

'**Cause I'm shouting your name all over town**

Will slammed the empty glass from his sixth shot on the counter and stood, albeit shakily. Jem watched him warily, having drunk nothing himself. "What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna win her back," Will said firmly. His words were a bit slurred, but he had been drunker. He had had just enough alcohol to convince him that this was a good idea. He strode outside, and Jem followed him hurriedly.

"Win her back? No, no, this is one of the worst ideas you have ever had, and that's saying something. You were supposed to _forget_ her!"

"I can't ever forget her!" Will exploded. "Why are you so dead set against this? Why don't you like her? Or do you think she's too good for me? I love her, okay? Tessa, I love you!"

Jem softened visibly. "Look, Will, I don't have anything against Tessa. I think she's lovely, but just… not right for you. Not too good, just not right. I'm sorry, but you need to calm down."

"Tessa!" Will shouted, heading off in the direction of the Institute. "Tessa, I'm coming!"

**I'm swearing if I go there now**

**I can change her mind, turn it all around**

**I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,**

**And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred,**

He imagined how it would go. He thought about running upstairs and telling her everything he should have said before. _I love you, and I can't bear to be without you. I can't live without you, and I don't want to. I want you and nothing else._ He was one hundred percent sure that he would change her mind, and she would fold him into an embrace. They would kiss, and she would apologize for having doubted him.

_I'm really very drunk,_ he thought with a bit of surprise. He seemed to be more intoxicated with each step. _If I can still speak I can still win her back. So what if my words are slurred? They still have meaning. Just because I can't properly articulate my feelings doesn't mean I don't have them._

**So I dialed her number and confessed to her**

**I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing…)**

Reality kicked in. _She said she never wanted me to tell her I loved her, ever again. She doesn't want my love, my kisses, my touch, my words. She wants distance._ He thought about it would _really_ go. He would sit in the hall outside her closed bedroom door and try to speak, but his throat would close. He wouldn't be able to say anything.

He thought he might even cry. "Tess, I love you," he would sob, and then… Would she even have the grace to come out and tell him to go away? Would she cry? Would she yell? Or– worse of all– would she do nothing at all?

**So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences**

**I know when I'm with her face to face, that she'll come to her senses**

**Every drunk step and path leads me to her door**

**If she sees how much I'm hurting**

**She'll take me back for sure**

Jem looked at Will with concern written over every inch of his fine-boned features. His friend was drunker than he thought, and more desperate, too. He looked absolutely torn apart from the inside out as he stumbled down the street, stubbornly determined if nothing else. He sighed. _Will, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak._

Will, on the other hand, was hopeful for the best. He was sure that when Tessa saw his ravaged face, she would come to her senses and realize that he needed her, and maybe she needed him too. She'd take him back in a heartbeat, he was convinced of it.

**And my mates are there trying to calm me down**

'**Cause I'm shouting your name all over town**

**I'm swearing if I go there now**

**I can change her mind, turn it all around**

**I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,**

**And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred,**

When Will didn't immediately go through the Institute's front door, Jem was suspicious. When he saw him go around the back, he was downright exasperated. "Will, don't. I know what you're going to do, and just… don't."

Will stopped and turned to Jem, slowly. The silver-haired boy had never seen his _parabatai_ look so broken. "I have to," he mumbled drunkenly. "I can change her mind, I know it. Just give me a _chance_."

"Do you think she'll listen?" Jem asked softly, trying to break it to Will easily that Tessa, much like Will himself, was not exactly the listening type.

"She has to," he whispered. "Because if she doesn't… I can't do this again. I can't go through it all again."

**So I dialed her number and confessed to her,**

**I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing…)**

**She said nothing (nothing, nothing)**

**Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing**

**Oh, I got nothing, nothing**

**I got nothing, nothing**

**Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing**

"The worst thing she could do is nothing. She can yell, she can cry, she can even, I dunno, fall in love with you. But nothing is worse than _nothing_. It means she doesn't even care enough to try to hurt me." The words were tumbling out in an almost incoherent mess, but it was such a relief to get his feelings out to someone who would listen that Will kept talking.

"Maybe she doesn't care about me, maybe she never did, but I can't deal with nothing. I need something, I need her to throw something at me. I need something to hate her or love her for, but nothing? If she gives me nothing I can do nothing, and then I have to keep living like this. Jem," he finished in a shattered voice, "I can't keep living like this."

**Oh, sometimes love's intoxicating**

**Oh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking**

**When you realize there's no one waiting**

Will thought over his words as he paced in place. He meant everything he said to jem except one part: _She can even, I dunno, fall in love with you._ He couldn't imagine that, couldn't imagine Jem and Tessa tangled together the same way Will and her had been, couldn't imagine them kissing…

He could see it now: Jem and Tessa, in Jem's room, with the door locked, while Will sat next door with his body shivery and feverish, realizing that for the first time, neither Jem nor Tessa was waiting for him.

**Am I better off dead**

**Am I better off a quitter**

**They say I'm better off now**

**Than I ever was with her**

Will continued his journey to the back of the Institute. There was a balcony on the second floor that he knew belonged to Tessa's room. They had spent so much time out there, usually at night, talking and laughing as they looked over the city to the Thames in the distance. _Maybe I shouldn't…_

_ No. Shut up, conscience, and follow your heart for once. Do something rash and romantic. Do what you have to, just to be happy. Don't quit. You're still breathing, aren't you? Still trying? That has to count for something. You're _not_ better off. Forget what Jem says and win. Her. Back._

**And my mates are all there trying to calm me down**

'**Cause I'm shouting your name all over town**

**I'm swearing if I go there now**

**I can change her mind, turn it all around**

"Tess? Are you in there? Tessa, it's me, it's Will. I know you told me not to say this anymore, but I love you. I still love you, I never stopped, and I don't know what to do. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything but think of you and wish I knew how to make you love me again.

"Jem told me this was a bad idea, that you were done and I should move on and forget you, but I can't. I love you so much, Tess. Please don't do this without really thinking. I still need you in my life, and I kinda hoped you needed me, too."

Jem shook his head sadly. It was no good. He didn't know what to do when Will broke down, but he would have to pick up the pieces. It's what friends are for, after all.

**I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,**

**And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred,**

**So I dialed her number and confessed to her,**

**I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing…)**

Just when Will and Jem had almost given up hope that Tessa would be making an appearance, the French doors to her bedroom slid open and she stepped out. Will caught his breath; she was absolutely beautiful in the moonlight, in a white nightgown that brushed her ankles with her soft brown hair flowing over her shoulders. He was afraid that she hadn't heard him, but the look on her face shot that down.

She looked more impassive than he had ever seen him, her head cocked curiously to the side. She examined Will's bedraggled appearance, his flushed face and vulnerable eyes, hair ruffled from the wind, and then turned to Jem. Jem stood awkwardly, wishing he had gone inside, because Will was looking at him like he had never seen him before and Tessa was smiling at him and he felt his cheeks burn scarlet.

**She said nothing (nothing, nothing…)**

**Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing**

**Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing…)**

**I got nothing (nothing, nothing…)**

**Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing**

**Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing…)**

Tessa turned her grey eyes back to Will's midnight blue ones. She looked as though she had something she wanted to say to him, and he waited for it eagerly. Instead she nodded to Jem and went back inside, taking care to close the doors behind her carefully. _She said nothing,_ Will thought incredulously. _Nothing. Nothing. Nothing._ The word kept running through his mind over and over until he felt it was burned into his brain.

_I have lost everything,_ he thought as he silently went back to his room, dry-eyed. He would have thought he'd be crying, or yelling, but he was too broken for even that. His heart was shattered in too many pieces to break properly. A broken heart would be easy; some tears, some resentment, he'd move on. This, though… He thought he'd never recover.

_I have lost everything._

**I got nothing, I got nothing.**


	9. Granger Danger

**Hey y'all! I'm back! This is a... Jessabriam fic? What's the word for Jem, Tessa, Gabriel, and Will? Anyway, I'm thinking this is right before the DSBS, without the masks. And I think Gabriel's the one in the DSBS, but whatever. The song is "Granger Danger" from A Very Potter Musical. *If you like Harry Potter AT ALL, check it out. It's on YouTube, and it's hilarious. This song is just Ron and Malfoy singing about seeing Hermione at the Yule Ball and falling in love with her.* Review, please!  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: I own neither the song, nor the characters, nor Will's quote (thanks to Oscar Wilde).**

This was it. It was the night of the Institute's annual Christmas Ball. Will stared at his reflection in the mirror and sighed inwardly. He was supposed to be downstairs by now, but, ever vain about his appearance, he hadn't quite dressed up to his satisfaction yet. His eyes were shadowed, his hair was messy, and his shirt had a crease. _I am not going down there until I look perfect,_ he swore to himself. _My looks are intrinsic to my having a good time._

He took one more look at the haughty boy in the mirror and had to laugh. He could only imagine what Jem would think of him, Jem, who didn't care how he looked and cared even less about how other people looked. They had a long conversation about it once. Jem insisted that the personality was all that mattered, whereas Will maintained that your looks gave people a clue about who you were.

_I like nothing better than a pretty girl in beautiful clothes, so why should I deny them the same privilege? _Will had said.

Jem rolled his eyes. _The privilege of looking at you?_

_Are you doubtful? If I go out looking a mess, I would not attract so many women, I assure you._

_Of course you would. Look at yourself. It doesn't matter what you wear, you still have that air of confident superiority and those blue eyes. You're fine, trust me._

Will was forcibly shaken from his reverie with a knock on his door. "Will? Aren't you ready?"

"No."

"Charlotte's going to _murder _us," the voice belonging to Jem groaned. "Come on, Tessa's already late and Henry has soot on his jacket. Charlotte does not need a reason to be even more upset."

Will glanced in the mirror one more time, shook his hair back and practiced his signature grin before grabbing his jacket and wrenching the door open. "Tessa's late? Why?"

Jem grinned. "I should have known that'd be what got you to leave the room. Come on, I'm not kidding about Charlotte." He turned and headed down the stairs, not looking back to make sure Will was following, but with that unruffled air that suggested he knew that he was.

Luckily, Charlotte was nowhere to be seen, and Will only had time to snatch a flute of champagne from a passing tray before Jem nudged him and pointed back at the stairs.

**Here I am, face to face**

**With a situation I'd never thought I'd ever see.**

It was _Tessa_, descending the stairs with her head ducked, looking very shy and stunningly beautiful. Will always knew she was pretty, if a bit rough around the edges (all Americans were) but seeing her in that _dress…_ She was decked out in blue-grey silk, the exact color of her eyes, and _Oh, Angel, she's coming over here. What do I do?_

Fortunately Jem was content to think for him. "All right, Will. Relax. Just… breathe. Be your usual self."

"My usual self would proposition her."

Jem shook his head and smiled ruefully. "I was wrong, don't be yourself. Be me."

"So you want me to stand here and awkwardly watch someone else converse with her?"

"You're impossible."

"That's a funny way of pronouncing 'irresistible'," Will said distractedly, craning his neck around George Penhallow to continue watching Tessa. Jem made a noise in the back of his throat, a combination of amusement and irritation. He opened his mouth to speak, but Will gripped his arm and shook his head almost imperceptibly.

Just then, Tessa stopped in front of them and smiled. "Hello, boys."

**Strange how a dress**

**Could take a mess**

**And make her nothing less**

**Than beautiful to me.**

Jem grinned back. "Hello, Tessa. You look lovely." Will couldn't so anything but nod in agreement. He remembered every way she had ever looked up until this moment, pictures forming and disappearing in his head like a slideshow.

Flash. Tessa as he first saw her, at the Dark Sisters' house. Her hair was a mess, her eyes were hollow, her skin was pale, and she wore than hideous, shapeless black dress. He saw her potential as a beauty and approved of her fire.

Flash. Tessa, the next morning at breakfast. She looked slightly healthier in Jessie's red dress that clung much too closely to her figure– not that Will minded– but her concern about her brother was obvious in the tight set of the muscles around her mouth.

Flash. Tessa, in the attic, right before he kissed her. She looked slight in Camille's dress that was stained with ash, her hands so small in torn, bloody gloves. She was a sight even with anger and confusion on her face.

Flash. Tessa, right now, right in front of him. She looked as perfect, as angelic, as he had ever seen her, in a dress that fit her flawlessly. Her big grey eyes were softly shadowed with long lashes, her lips were full and red, and someone– probably the ever-patient Sophie– had curled her hair and piled it into a knot at the back of her head.

He cleared his throat. "Beautiful," was the only word that escaped his mouth, and it was hoarse and almost unintelligible. Even so, she bit her lip to hide a smile.

**Seems like my eyes have been transfigured**

**Something deep inside has changed**

**They've been open wide but hold that trigger**

Will had never felt like this before. He had always, in the back of his mind, recognized that some girls were beautiful beyond belief– Jessamine, for example, with her thick pale hair and big brown eyes– but he had never felt this crushing sensation in his chest, this rapid beating of his heart, this feeling that breathing was impossible.

He had looked at Tessa a thousand different ways: as a fellow book lover, as a Downworlder, as a young girl, as an American, as innocent, as a fighter, as someone who needed to be protected, as someone who was stronger than he himself… But never before had he seen her as a debutante, a beautiful girl of– his heart stopped in fear– marriageable age.

She could go out and get married if she wanted. She could run, she could escape, she could find a man who could protect her and love her. _Don't think about it,_ he scolded himself. _Why would you even…? She can't leave until Mortmain stops looking for her._

**This could mean… danger…**

**I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love,**

**I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love**

**With Hermione Granger.**

"I… I'll be right back," Will said hastily, excusing himself with an outraged look from Jem and a raised eyebrow from Tessa. He found a quiet place, a dark corner, where he could lean against the wall and take deep breaths. "Relax, Herondale," he cautioned himself. "You can't be in love with her. It's just a dress. You'll be fine."

A stab of something he didn't recognize in his heart suggested otherwise. He had never been in love before, so perhaps it was natural that he didn't immediately acknowledge its presence.

_This is bad, very, very bad,_ he though, horrified. He had seen men, lots of men, frequenting bars every night because they were trying– and failing– to drink away the pain associated with unrequited or rejected love. He had seen men torn apart, tormented, eaten away with jealousy.

He had been there, in a way. After all, when he lost Cecily, did he not weep? He loved her, in a different way than the way he loved Tessa. Didn't he almost die every time Jem was hurt or got ill? Didn't he drink away the pain when Jem's blood still stained his hands? He loved Jem, of course. He had never loved anyone as much as he loved Jem… Until now.

Love was beautiful. Love caused unbearable pain. Love was dangerous.

**What? What the hell is this?**

**You expect me to sing about her, I don't care about her.**

**It's just a little make-up, Draco wake up, I'm mistaken.**

Across the room from Jem and Tessa, in a different corner than Will, Gabriel Lightwood swallowed his drink in one gulp. He had only ever seen Tessa Gray once, shaking with righteous anger, defending Herondale from his, Gabriel's, onslaught of insults.

She had been pretty then, if not quite to his taste. He preferred his girls elegant and classically beautiful, quiet, the kind of girl who appreciated sophistication and saw him as the paramount epitome of an ideal mate.

Of course, he hadn't found a girl like that yet, except for his _sister_, and that was incontrovertibly out of the question. This new Tessa Gray, with the curly hair and silk dress, was the closest he had seen to his perfect girl. And he deserved perfection, did he not? He was holding out for perfection because he was worth it.

_No,_ he reprimanded himself sharply. _You will_ not_ think of her in that way. She defended Herondale, remember? She's no fan of you, and any girl who considers Herondale and Carstairs more suitable companions than you cannot be worth the risk, no matter how… alluring… you find her._

**She is the **_**hottest**_** girl I've ever seen now,**

**Because she's like a girl I've never seen.**

**Don't know why I'd ever be so mean…**

Still… Perhaps she didn't really like Will. Women always think they're in love with a man who saves them from a desperate situation, right? Just as men always think they love the woman who nurses them back to health after a tough battle. Perhaps she'd come to her senses soon enough and realize what a loathsome, detestable worm Will Herondale was.

Gabriel had never, ever had anyone, especially a mere Downworlder girl, yell at him the way Tessa did that afternoon before the Enclave meeting. She implied– or more accurately, described– that he was a miserable excuse for a human being because he cared more about his own personal quarrels than about the Shadowhunters as a whole.

He was ashamed to admit that her passion really– _how to put it?_– sparked his flame. Lit his fire. Turned him on. Why had he thought poorly of her before? She was a strong girl, standing up for what she believed in, speaking her mind with no thought to the consequences. It was something he'd always wanted to do but never could, because his father would beat him to within an inch of his life. Metaphorically speaking. _I think…_

**This could mean… danger…**

**I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love,**

**I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love**

**With Hermione Granger.**

Benedict sure had a lot of rules for a man who so often broke them. No impertinence. No wantonness. Straighten up and fly right. And, though it was never expressly stated, _As a Shadowhunter, you are better than everyone else. Act like it._ This last rule Gabriel tried not to abuse. He personally felt he was no better than anyone else (except _Herondale_), but he did as told and knew he was expected to grow up and marry a Shadowhunter woman, thereby producing pure- blooded Shadowhunter children to carry on the Lightwood line.

Crossing his father and going against this expectation had never crossed Gabriel's mind until this moment. Benedict had had his share of wayward Downworlder women to keep him company at night, but he warned his sons against this sort of behavior. Gideon ignored this and spent more time than anyone– except, again, Will Herondale– but Gabriel detested the thought.

Of course Tessa changed all that in a heartbeat. She was a clever, strong girl who fought off a horde of vampires even without any training. She was the most beautiful girl Gabriel had ever seen, and for a moment he imagined her in a long white dress and veil. _Theresa Lightwood._

The thought shattered almost as soon as it appeared. Shadowhunters were forbidden from loving or marrying Downworlders, and warlocks could not bear children. It was a doomed relationship, and that was if she consented to love him! Just because he loved her–

_Where did that come from? Do I love her?_ He did, he decided. He loved Tessa Gray, against all reason.

_Why does love have to be so hard?_

**I want to let her know (I feel so queasy)**

**But I can't let it show (she'd laugh, "poor Weasley")**

**Come on, Ron (Draco)**

**You gotta let it go…**

**You gotta let it go…**

Will slid to the ground, his back against the wall, his hands tangled in his raven-black hair. He couldn't _possibly_ tell Tessa how he felt, could he? No, look at her over there, chatting and laughing with Jem. She was so much finer than he deserved, after everything he'd done. He couldn't bear to hurt her, and he would invariably hurt her again. _Each man kills the thing he loves... the coward with a kiss, the brave man with a sword!_ No, he wouldn't tell her. She'd laugh at him, anyway, and he didn't think he could take that kind of rejection.

Gabriel, in the other corner, was in the same position. He shook for some reason, trembling from head to toe. A strong clench in his stomach made him keel over, gripping his midsection and wincing. The alcohol, he decided, was a terrible idea. He thought it would settle his nerves, but it just made him nauseous. He was what Gideon called a "lightweight", meaning that he couldn't hold his liquor, and his brother was right. Champagne plus a sudden realization of unrequited love equaled sickness.

For two such different young men, they managed to synchronize their thoughts with one phrase: _You've got to let it go._

**Here I am, face to face, with a situation I'd never thought I'd ever see.**

**(What the hell is this? I want to sing about her, sing about her.)**

**Strange how a dress can take a mess **

**(I want to make up, Granger, wake up! I've been mistaken.)  
>And make her nothing less than beautiful to me.<strong>

**(She is the hottest girl I've ever seen, now,)**

**Seems like my eyes have been transfigured.**

**(Because she's like a girl I've never seen.)**

**They've been open wide but hold that trigger.**

**(Don't know why I'd ever be so mean…)**

Tessa bid Jem farewell and looked around the room as the silver-haired Shadowhunter walked off. Gabriel and Will watched as she swayed to the music, closing her eyes and smiling a bit. They both wished it was _they_ who were dancing with her, rather than her dancing a bit all by herself. It only lasted a few seconds before her eyes snapped open as though she had woken up from a dream.

She nabbed a crystal flute of champagne from a passing tray and sipped it delicately. Her eyes darted cat-like around the expanse of the hall, stopping on Will in his corner. She looked taken aback for a moment, blinking rapidly before turning away. Will's heart sank; clearly she didn't want to see him.

Her eyes next fell on Gabriel, still faintly ill, and he too saw her look of shock and bemusement as she wondered why two such eligible Nephilim boys were hiding in two separate corners. Just as he thought he'd go up and talk to her, Jem came back, holding two glasses of champagne. He laughed when he saw Tessa already had a drink, and Gabriel stared moodily at the pair before wishing, for the first time, that he had less morals and could go out and drink until he forgot his own name, let alone _hers_.

**This could mean… danger…**

**I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love,**

**I think I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love**

**With Hermione Granger, with Hermione Granger, with Hermione Granger.**

Will unstuck himself from the wall and stood up, looking around for any available alcohol to drown his sorrows in. He was sure he would be able to win Tessa over eventually, but his chances for this particular evening were looking weaker and weaker by the minute. He wanted to drink _just_ enough to forget his love for Tessa and find another, more immorally-inclined young lady to indulge him in a quick tryst.

Gabriel, on the other hand, also left his corner, but it was to run to the nearest bathroom and start retching. He should have _known_ the alcohol was a bad idea, but once again he overestimated his own abilities. He was sick in the heart and stomach, and soon, the brain. Already his thoughts were fuzzy and disconnected, and he was almost praying for a total blackout, just so he didn't have to think anymore.

Jem whispered something in Tessa's ear, and she nodded curtly, placing her glass on the nearest table and taking his hand as he led her upstairs, to a balcony she hadn't known existed.

Will watched them go with a heaviness in his heart until he had to turn away, only to come face-to-face with the youngest, prettiest– and least detestable– Lightwood daughter. She looked nothing like Tessa, petite with wavy gold hair and big green eyes, but she would have to do. Pausing only to muse about Gabriel's reaction to finding out that Will had seduced his other sister, Will took her by the hand and tried, desperately and unsuccessfully, to forget Tessa Gray once and for all.

_**Danger!**_


	10. Back to December

**I regret two things: One, that it took me for-freaking-ever to get this out, and two, that this will be the last songfic in this series. Dry your tears, eh? No, I bet I don't have too many fans, but if there are ANY of you who have stuck with me, I love you. I do. I appreciate it. The song here is "Back to December" by Taylor Swift, and is a terrible Will/Tessa thing. See if you can guess who WROTE the letter before the end?**

**Disclaimer: I thank the fans, or just readers, the artists for giving me songs, YouTube for letting me play a song on repeat while I write to sonfic for it, and Cassie Clare, for giving me fabulous characters.**

**I'm so glad you made time to see me**

**How's life? Tell me, how's your family?**

**I haven't seen them in a while**

Dear… You. You know your own name, I needn't write it again, no matter how beautiful the word is in my mouth. I do hope you will read this letter all the way through, even after everything. But of course you know what happened. You were there. I suppose I ought to start off with pleasantries; one would normally ask after your family, but you don't have one. I might've guessed; you couldn't bear to marry after me, eh? No children, either, of course. That's no surprise.

**You've been good, busier than ever**

**We small talk, work and the weather**

**Your guard is up, and I know why**

I hear you've secured a job, which I must say is lucky; it's difficult to find work these days. I heard Magnus recommended a position for you, which amuses me. You two seemed closer than you let on…

I can't believe I'm about to mention the weather, but hasn't it been lovely? Not at all like typical London gloom. I know how much you hate it, the clouds and rain and _grey,_ but you've had time to adapt, haven't you? It's 1881, for goodness' sake. You've had years.

Oh, this isn't coming out at all like I planned. I wanted to be friendly, but I can only imagine you reading it and wondering what in the world I was thinking, to presume I could contact you years later and everything would be all right. Well, of course it's not all right. You're upset. At least, you were, and I know it's all my fault.

**Because the last time you saw me**

**Is still burned in the back of your mind**

**You gave me roses, and I left them there to die**

We parted company on unusual terms, I admit, and not entirely pleasant ones. I don't wish to bore you by reciting every word I spat at you, because I doubt you can forget any more than I can. I dream about it every night. It haunts me. The sound of your name alone brings back all those awful memories that I'd do anything to change.

Do you remember the rose you gave me? It was perfect, richly red and full, just beginning to open. I thought it was quite odd to receive as a gift, particularly from _you_, but I thought it was beautiful all the same. Until, of course, we fought, which was when I tossed it out my window. Quite childish, I admit, but I never claimed I was anything else.

**So this is me swallowing all my pride**

**Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night**

**And I go back to December all the time**

Anyway, I need to apologize right away: I am so very sorry for everything I did. I was awful to you for no reason, for months, and when you finally didn't want it anymore, I was almost… proud. They said you loved me too much to give me up, and I believed it. Until then.

Of course, I wish I could tell you this face to face, but I'm horrified to admit I haven't the courage. That was the worst December night I've ever experienced, and so close to Christmas… I'm so, so sorry. I _know_ you didn't mean a thing by it, it was harmless flirting, and just because I wasn't a fan of the person on the receiving end of your attentions did not give me a reason to go so mad. I imagine it was frightening.

I go back to December all the time, just so you know. I can't stop. Every time I close my eyes I see your hurt face branded into the back of my eyelids. I hear your apology and your insistence that we could make it work. And I see myself walking away. I hate myself for it.

**It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you**

**Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine**

**I go back to December, turn around and make it alright**

**I go back to December all the time**

I thought I couldn't be tied down like that. I thought I needed freedom, because I had known it all my life. The thought of being so… committed– and with _you!_– was quite honestly terrifying. I watched birds soar by and wished I could fly free like they could. I didn't know how much pain there would be when I _was_ free– freedom has an awful long time taken up with regrets and loneliness.

I wish I could fix it all.

**These days, I haven't been sleeping**

**Staying up, playing back myself leaving**

**When your birthday passed, and I didn't call**

I can't sleep. I can't eat. Everywhere I go, every time I close my eyes, I only see your face, your beautiful face, with that little half smile, teasing me. I want to cry myself to sleep like everyone else, but tears don't come when it's absolutely, irreversible, incontrovertibly your own fault that no one loves you. Did you know that? I expect you do.

I spend half of every night watching the scene over and over in my head. Act II, final scene: In Which I Leave. I wish I could cut it out of the play, but not everything has a happy ending. I _know_ you know that. I yelled. I waved my arms. I stormed away. They told me later that you cried; I don't know whether I believe it or not. Either way, I can't forget.

I thought about returning every day since I left. I especially missed seeing you on your birthday (eighteen, big deal) and Christmas. I hope you weren't terribly disappointed by my absence. I hope you expected it. I can't bear to cause you any more pain.

**Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times**

**I watched you laughing from the passenger side**

**And realized I loved you in the fall**

Summer… The first summer we were acquainted… I expect you recall, vividly, our hurried and queer meeting in the Dark Sisters' house. There was chemistry then. I knew, even if you didn't. We didn't quite get along for awhile, until we realized Nathaniel's true ally and the real danger Mortmain posed.

We kept him off for a while, didn't we? Not bad for a renegade Shadowhunter with a disregard for rules and an untrained, almost ignorant warlock girl. You were on the front lines, of course; you were terribly important. I wasn't quite content to watch you from the side, but I did.

Then it was autumn. Mortmain was dead, the clockwork abominations destroyed, our lives saved. The beginning of September. We tried so hard to make it work, didn't we? I wanted to love you and you wanted to love me, so we just… went along with it. I thought I couldn't stand you at times, but I only realized my true feelings when you confessed yours as though the words were almost too painful to speak aloud.

**And then the cold came, the dark days**

**When fear crept into my mind**

**You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye**

Then it got cold. Colder than London usually was, anyway. It was almost winter, and I started panicking when I realized we might have a lasting relationship. I don't know why; I had been hurt before, but so had you, so I don't quite know why I was so scared.

You were brilliant, you were beautiful, and you had a sharp tongue. Still do, in fact. You caught all the eyes when you walked into a room, which was why I was so jealous, because I thought you would finally realize you could do better and leave me for one of those who stared so foolishly.

You loved me; you trusted me. You were broken and I fixed you. Of course, when I was mad with envy and bitterness, I thought– knew– that I had to hurt you like you had hurt me. I needed to break you into so many pieces that you couldn't heal again, and then maybe you'd remember me. I know now how awful this was, and I hope it's not too late.

**So this is me swallowing my pride**

**Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night**

**And I go back to December all the time**

**It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you**

**Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine**

**I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind**

**I go back to December all the time**

So again, I must say I'm sorry. I think we both know that this isn't easy for me, swallowing my pride and admitting how wrong I was. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I ask for it. I want you to remember all the good times and forget what I did that night. I know you can't, because I can't, so I suppose I only ask for forgiveness; is that so hard to grant? Yes, I admit it is, but I beg you. I'm begging, don't you see?

I swore I wouldn't do that. I swore I wouldn't beg, or cry, but I just begged and, well, I can only hope the tear splotch will have dried before you get this.

**I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile**

**So good to me, so right**

**And how you held me that September night**

**The first time you ever saw me cry**

I miss you, more than you could understand. I miss the silkiness of your hair between my fingers. I miss the light in your eyes. I miss the feel of your arms around me, your lips on mine, your smooth, light skin. I miss the feeling of being home when I was in your arms. I miss belonging: "I am my beloved's and my beloved it mine," as the Song of Solomon says.

Don't you remember how we cried in each other's arms for a week when Jem died, near the end of September? You hadn't seen me cry properly until then, because I loved hi. You are the only other one who will understand, because you loved him too. You were so comforting, just being there to hold me when I woke up sobbing because I thought I heard violin music. It was mutual, of course, and I want you to need me like you did then.

**Maybe this is wishful thinking**

**Probably mindless dreaming**

**But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right**

**I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't**

**So if the chain is on your door, I understand**

I was always a dreamer, you know. You mightn't have noticed, but I lived too much in my books and my fantasies of how life _should_ be that I forgot how it _was_. You were realer than anything I've ever encountered, so forgive me if I can't quite get my head out of the clouds and remember that you might not love me like I love you. That you might not forgive me. That you might not need me like I need you.

Would it help if I promised not to hurt you again? I doubt it, you wouldn't believe me. Oh, dear, this is difficult. My thoughts are muddled and writing them down seems to do me no good. It's a jumbled mess of everything I've ever felt about you, lots of contradictory statements, hopeful and hopeless, humble and pretentious, love and longing and wishful thinking.

I want to see you again. I will be outside your front door by next Saturday, and if you don't want to see me, if you lock the door, I promise to leave and not bother you again. I only ask you give me a chance and let me come by.

**This is me swallowing my pride**

**Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night**

**And I go back to December**

**It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you**

**Wishing I's realized what I had when you were mine**

**I go back to December, turn around and make it all right**

**I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind**

**I go back to December all the time, all the time.**

I think that about wraps up my awful, ridiculous, incomprehensible, almost laughable begging-for-forgiveness letter that in all honesty sounds more like a journal entry from a young girl. Well, I hope it will still do the trick. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, and I'm only writing no because one more day without you is like sinking into another layer of Hell: cold, lonely, and tortuous.

I don't expect forgiveness, but I ask for it. At the very, very least, I hope you've read this letter all the way through, because now you know how I feel.

Please don't break me the way I broke you, no matter how much I may– and do– deserve it. I love you, Will Herondale, and I still need you in my life.

With all the love you'll permit me to show, Tessa.

**If anyone is interested, I intend to start a Mortal Instruments songfic collection sometime soon. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


End file.
